Shitting On Shitty People That Post Shit People Say (Commentary)

It all started with Shit My Dad Says, a Twitter feed created by Justin Halpern, who, at the time, was an occasionally-employed comedy writer. The Twitter account consisted of glib sayings and grumpy quotes uttered by Halpern’s father, Sam. The account was started on August 3, 2009, after moving from Los Angeles back to his parents’ house in San Diego. Halpern intended it as a document site for his father’s classic choleric and salty comments, but it quickly went viral, as most comedy gems do. As of January 30, 2012, @shitmydadsays has 2.97 million followers.

A book deal with Harper Collins eventually followed. The book became an immediate New York Times Best Seller, becoming #1 after five weeks. Hollywood also came knocking on Halpern’s door (or rather, his dad’s door?). On May 2010, CBS green-lighted the multiple-camera television sitcom $#*! My Dad Says starring Captain Kirk 1.0 playing the titular dad based on Halpern’s father. Unfortunately, the canned-laughter-laced half-hour suffered a quick demise due to an indistinct execution and unoriginal writing that led to poor ratings. The show was eventually cancelled on May 15, 2011. Halpern recently chronicled this humbling process in the most self-effacing manner in a Grantland piece titled, I Would Like to Help You Get Your Show Canceled.

A little more than a month before the end of the sitcom, came forth the Twitter feed, Shit Girls Say.

(NOTE: This is not to be confused with White Girl Problems which launched on March 20, 2010. It is a close and older sister to the Shit Girls Say bit, combined with the ironic First World Problems meme. WGPs was also an amusing Twitter which quickly fizzled out because it degraded into Babe Walker’s incessant self-promotion of her book of the same name. We wonder if Babe Walker/@whitegrlproblem rues the day that SGS was born. After all, they have taken that ball/shtick and skyrocketed above the Intertubes, everything that Babe Walker has clearly yearned for.)

On April 7, 2011, @shitgirlssay came forth with the inaugural tweet, “Could you pass me that blanket?“ This humorous Twitter feed, created by Canadian writers Kyle Humphrey and Graydon Sheppard, consists of made-up quotes that might possibly stem from stereotypical female conversations. On December 12, 2011, the duo of gay (not that that matters, but it might, given the context and the issue of gender that is at play here), male comedy writers, Humphrey and Sheppard, launched the webisode series on YouTube further poking fun at the faceless group of clichéd middle-to-upper-class twenty and thirty-something white girls. Doing it with delicious sarcasm and irony. To say that the initial 1:19 minute video “went viral” would be putting it lightly. It went nuclear within hours, days.

People immediately identified with it and reposted and reblogged it ad infinitum, it was Internet ubiquitous, Interniquitous. It is a funny, well-produced and professional looking bit accented with a cameo appearance, by their friend, actor, Juliette Lewis. Twinsies! Though, the spot is ultimately carried by Graydon Sheppard’s uncanny and comic portrayal of the anygirl. Graydon in drag, throws himself into character, donning 4 inch heels at one point, and pitch-perfectly nailing the whiny cadence of the obligatory girl-next-door/girl-in-your-office/girl-at-your-school.

Much like Shit My Dad Says, the industry has come a-knockin’ on Shit Girls Say‘s door. Hollywood Agents have been courting Humphrey and Sheppard. They even recently made an appearance on Rock Center with Brian Williams.

Fast forward seven weeks later, the Shit _____ Say parody meme is an epidemic. It has now been parodied on YouTube thousands of times; acting as a placeholder and snowclone for every demographic in the sun, both for humorous effect and sometimes non-humorous and political effect. Each gender, race, class, color, religion, creed, location, interest, niche group has been represented. Regardless of the group, it has all become nauseating.

Chalk it up to do-it-yourself technology; now we can make and edit full videos on our phones. Fault the democracy of the Internet, it’s the final frontier and the wild, wild, west all at once. Condemn the thirst for attention in this fame-obsessed reality-television-viewing fast food culture. Whatever the case, it seems as if people need to milk that viral pop culture teat until it’s gone and has evaporated into dust. The original bit was genuinely funny, but it was one-note and should have ran its course three weeks ago, but it lives on like an extra from The Walking Dead. They turned something that was once amusing into the most annoying thing on the pop culture planet. This is why we can’t have nice things. Shake my head, Biters, shake my head.

The original Shit Girls Say became stale after the second installment; Shit Black Girls Say and Shit Asian Girls Say barely even registered a smirk from me. If you’re going to bite something, make sure that the production is at least better and concentrate on making it funnier, otherwise you will resemble a tool. Shit Nobody Says was a valiant attempt and answer, the rest are just turble.

I think I hate the Internet. I just checked. Yeah, I do.

We need to put a stop to this exhausted comedy bit. I am declaring a moratorium on this shit (pun intended). Please, for the love of God, stop making, re-posting and reblogging these videos, I appeal to your better comedic senses. This meme is just as evil as the 350,000 people who have karaoke-covered Rolling in the Deep.

Seriously, we’re fucking sick of this meme. I posted a Facebook status update, 3 weeks ago, begging people to stop biting Shit Girls Say. The Shit _____ Say meme has only gotten worse. The clones are awful. I realize that most people are not that Internet savvy and may have just discovered this comedy bit, but that’s no excuse. It’s similar to the person that gets huffy and pissy with you for spoiling Usual Suspects for them. I can’t talk about how Verbal Kint is Keyser Söze just because you haven’t seen a movie that’s been out for 16 years? You missed the bus, Dear. Game over.

At this point, as far as I am concerned, posting Shit People Say videos is an act just short of terrorism. These people should be reported to Homeland Security. The Taliban wins every time you post a Shit People Say video. At this juncture, Shit People Say is more annoying than Foster the People songs, people who have “cheat days”, foodie pics, and hangnails. Shit People Say videos are the worst case of herpes. They’re a cocktail composed of cat diarrhea, Kryptonite and syphilis. A punchbowl of brown karma.

“Haters gonna hate,” you say, you’re goddamn right I do.

However, there is one small shimmering light in this dark storm. Aaron Cronan and Ben Trimbo of Portland-based video production company, 10 Bridges Media, offers hope in a dark time and acts as the voice of a weak and weary minority. Two weeks ago, they gave birth to Shit People Say About Shit People Say Videos, a spoof of the Shit People Say videos (watch at header, above!). They collectively announce for us, “We got the joke. Enough already with the video posts.” Credit to my friend, Alex C, for the find. A lone tear rolled down my beaten cheek when I first viewed this. I thought I was all alone. But alas. The humor: stellar. The acting: good. The message: PRICELESS. It’s old fashioned meta goodness. Aaron and Ben, may I buy you an aircraft carrier? I could never thank these fine gentlemen enough.

JUST STOP!

Feel free to send me hate-tweets via Twitter or contact me to possibly organize a class action lawsuit versus Humphrey, Sheppard & Co. and the rest of the Internet. This will be bigger than the fight against SOPA/PIPA. Good day…

–@teemunny

The one that started it all. 13.4 million views:

Episode 2, a funny second episode and near carbon copy. 7 million views:

Episode 3, running on empty, it should have died here. 3.1 million views:

Sh*t Nobody Says, clever and dripping with aching sarcasm, decent production and deserves a chuckle. Though, I have an urge to fart in the actor’s face for some reason. Also, I actually had a Filet-O-Fish for lunch today, so somebody DID say that. You’re fired! 5.9 million views:

Shit Black Girls Say, decent production, this garnered a smirk and no more. Although, this probably set the black comedy movement back about a decade. 6.5 million views:

Shit White Girls Say…to Black Girls, okay, there was at least some attempt at a social commentary here, but it was still barely droll. 7.8 million views:

Shit Asian Girls Say, this is when I started to get extremely agitated. Awful “writing”, even worse “acting”. 3 million views:

Shit New Yorkers Say, I don’t know what’s cornier here with this New Yorker version. Is it the grating brother/sister duo of hipster actors (they imbue a smarminess and are saturated with a dense air of how they’re impressed with themselves. “We’re sooo comedically enchanting!”) OR the manner in which New Yorkers rave about how spot on this is? My eyeballs have rolled out of their sockets. 2.9 million views:

Shit People Say In LA, I’ll be honest, I didn’t laugh but I nodded a couple of times, having lived in Los Angeles for more than a decade. But still, this vid was already D.O.A. 1.4 million views:

Shit Spanish Girls Say, WTF? All Spanish-speaking people should be offended by this. Is this some sort of endorsement for morbid obesity? I’m contacting the First Lady. Somebody shoot me in the head and end this misery. Fuck. 4.1 million views:

Shit Girls Don’t Say, uuuuuugh. Still irritating. 1.1 million views:

Shit Girls Say to Gay Guys, somebody take this hot poker and drive it into my earhole. 5.9 million views:

Shit Single Girls Say, I hope this dude gets herpes. 4 million views:

Shit Black Guys Say, just plain awful. 1.8 million views:

Shit Asian Dads Say, I have lost all faith in humanity. Asians will never be considered funny ever again. Fuck this guy. 3.4 million views:

Shit Asian Moms Say, take comment for previous video and then multiply by two. 1.6 million views:

SH*T DRAKE SAYS, for real? This guy is lip syncing Drake lyrics!!! I hope this talentless idiot gets hit by a bus. I now hate all Persian dudes. Sorry, Sam. 5.1 million views:

Shit New Age Girls Say [ELEVATE], freshly added to my bucket list: smother this girl with a pillow. 1.2 million views:

Shit Drunk Girls Say, why, God, why?! This hell will never end. 2 million views:

Shit College Freshmen Say, would somebody please Virginia Tech these dudes? Too soon? 1.1 million views:

Shit Gay Guys Say, just make it stop. I’m begging you. 1.6 million views:

Shit Girlfriends Say, I think my ears and eyes are bleeding. 935K views:

Sh*t Fashion Girls Say, being a closet metrosexual, this got a giggle out of me. Femme fat dude is fairly funny. 718K and 324K views:

Sh!t the Dowager Countess Says, I don’t get the Downton Abbey phenomenon. Seems like the driest soap opera on Earth. Different strokes for different folks, I guess. 117K views:

Sh*t Politicians Say, people aren’t even trying anymore. Rest In Peace? 33K views:

Shit Samuel L. Jackson Says, sigh. 383K views:

Shit Bartenders Say, huh?! Was this salvaged from the Portlandia cutting room floor? Teemunny go to sleepy-bedtime-forever now. We welcome the sweet, sweet release of the eternal nap. 197K views:

That’s a total of 86.6 million views represented here. Everything is awful. Everybody is a comedian. Let’s leave the comedy to the professionals, Party People…